First they took the bananas; then the ice cream. Since I wasn’t ice cream, I didn’t protest. But when they went after the Queen, I knew we were all in danger, I had to speak out…
We just got back from the Dairy Queen. We were jonesing for banana splits. The man said, “We don’t have any bananas.”
I was shocked! A banana-free Dairy Queen world was approaching fast. I felt the need to throw myself behind something to avoid the collision.
“What do you do when you don’t have bananas?” I asked, astonished out of my wits. “We use a powder that tastes like candy,” he said. “But it’s not a banana split.”
I knew my world would never be the same; but I didn’t want to know it just yet. “The candy we use tastes a lot like bananas and people like it.” I quaked.
Later, he produced our turtle sundaes and told us, “Sometimes we run out of ice cream.” “What DO YOU DO when Dairy Queen has no ice cream!” I yelped!
We had reached the existential crater, the black hole of unknowing. It was still smoking, so we called it the cloud of unknowing.
We left the DQ and headed out onto the street. People were driving down the boulevard. Cars were walking down the sidewalks.
We saw a policeman putting out a house fire, while a Doberman ran past the scene, chased by a Siamese cat, who was in training.
It was nightime, but the sun was awfully bright. The pale moonlight lit up the boulevard. Good thing. People were not used to steering themselves.
I had been told that bananas were arriving in the morning, so I knew that I had until then. The DQ wasn’t set up for overnites, so we’d have to get a blanket.
We passed a newstand, where yesterday’s newspaper had just arrived, fresh off the presses. The headline: “George W. Bush leads as Chief Justice of the World Court”
A thought suddenly hit me! “The dish didn’t run away with the spoon,” I said. “Because the cow couldn’t have made it ALL the way over the moon.”
“Am I to believe you,” my wife intoned, “or what has been written and believed for thousands of years.” It was a tight corner, no doubt.
I could always refer to other cultures, I thought. The values are the same, in every one, but you don’t have to believe that moon was ever fully hurdled.
No doubt, the issue that divided nations, that put people to going to war and slaughtering each other was now infecting my marriage.
“No bananas, no bananas!” I shrieked in my mind. “What rotten luck, and why did the night have to start this way!??”
This bizarro, no-ice-cream-Dairy-Queen world was taking its toll. We could lose everything. We could lose each other. It’d be bad for our health!!
The morning alone would bring hope. But we’d have to capture that moment for it to be real. How else would people know there were bananas?
I’d heard of paradigm shifts, of shifts in techtonic plates! But no one wants a split, no banana. “They’d eat the powder and deny it,” I thought.
So I’ll be there late tonight when the sun goes down. At the crack of dawn the bananas are supposed to arrive. I’ll do it for you. For I love you all.
You won’t know I did it, if I do. If I don’t succeed, I’m sure you’ll blame me. There’s nothing like the responsibility of making the world safe for bananas….
Or, for that matter, the responsibility of keeping Dairy Queen free…free to be…all that SHE can be. It’s the least we can do for the Queen.
So wouldn’t each and every one of you stand up for the bananas if you knew what was at stake? I knew you would. And so will I.
It’ll be a long cold night, alone, dark with all that reflected pale sunlight, and tense. If I fail, the bananas won’t really win. So I think my chances are good with them.
Still, if they are as crazed as the World Court, and if they drive their bodies down the street as crazy as you folks do, then tell my wife I loved her.
I’ll throw my body on the banana crater to keep it from exploding. What is one life, when a paradigm shift is at stake?
You can give your thanks to my wife, if I don’t come back in one piece. I’ll be listening, even if my eyes are closed. And I’ll respond, if ever I can walk again.
But don’t cry for me, after all. I didn’t tell you, and maybe you don’t deserve to know.
But if there’s not enough bananas for everyone, I’m taking all that there is down with me…so there!!